I don't know if you can tell from the video (not shot by me, I was down on the floor singing at the top of my lungs with my hands in the air) but this was a seriously intense God-moment. The energy in the room, the looks on the group's faces as they listened to all of us singing THEIR WORDS written from THEIR HEARTS, the passion with which they played their instruments, the intensity with which we ALL sang, the palpable presence of something Bigger than any of us smiling on and in and around us... it's hard to articulate how special it was.
So it goes without saying that Mumford and Sons' music means a lot to me. Especially this song. I've listened to it a lot the past few months, as life has been uncomfortably uncertain, in ways. Owning my questions and outing my beliefs, opening my heart WIDE for anyone and everyone to see, has brought some difficulty. The entire album, and specifically this song, has spoken to me in very real ways. I've sung it at the top of my lungs with my kids, laughing when they misunderstand the lyrics (Mary thinks the "har har" is about Jesus living in your heart, how precious is that?) I've sung it while mowing the grass, which I do when I'm mad or frustrated. I've fallen asleep listening to it.
Then we come to this morning. This morning I attended the Global Leadership Summit at a local satellite location with others from my church. I'd been invited and I agreed to go, even though - to be honest - I wasn't sure I should. I wasn't sure I "fit". To confess, here, I'd actually called the Well of Mercy - I was considering bailing at the last minute and going for a solitude retreat instead (since I'd already worked out child care). The sweet Sister informed me they were completely booked. I took that as a sign: humble thyself, and go to the summit.
I love the people I'm attending with, don't get me wrong - genuinely love the dear people from my church who came along. But as things got started I was still fighting this feeling that I didn't actually belong there and really shouldn't have come. I held this feeling up to God with open hands in prayer, asking if He'd meet me - regardless of whether I was or wasn't officially part of this or that group or team. Just meet me - me.
Meet me, please.
I literally prayed these words.
Then something truly surreal happened. A black gospel singer started to sing words I am intimately familiar with, but which sounded foreign coming out of her mouth... there was a praise team with her ... the words were:
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
and now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
my weakness I feel I must finally show
I literally jumped upright! I looked around myself. Is anyone else hearing this? Anyone?! It was like two separate worlds had collided into one strange, twilight-zone moment. Oh, what I would have given for my husband to have been with me or one of our friends from the concert, but none of them were there. No one "got it". But that didn't matter... I got it.
Even though it was admittedly quite weird and almost laughable listening to a black gospel praise team trying to do the "har har"s, I could barely contain my excitement when I sang along:
Awake my soulfor you were made to meet your Maker!
It was literally like He lifted my chin, looked me in the eyes, and said, "I see You. And yes, I will meet you. You were made to meet Me. And you belong here."
I'm told that hundreds of thousands of people watched/listened to today's summit all over the globe (hence the name) but I can't deny - I won't deny - that that very song was chosen just for me.
As Sara Groves sings,
They want to know what I'm thinking • What motivates my mood • To spend all night in the backyard • Staring up at the stars and the moon • But maybe this was made for me • For lying on my back in the middle of a field • Maybe that's a selfish thought • Or maybe there's a loving God • And maybe I was made this way • To think and to reason and to question and to pray • Or maybe that's a foolish thought • But maybe there's a loving God •
There is a loving God. He sees me. He knows me.
I was made to meet Him.
And so are you.
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
har har, har har....